someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
