I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
