please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
