You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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