I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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