Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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