For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize