i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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