i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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