my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
