halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
