I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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