My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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