Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
