please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
