my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
