I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
