better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
