so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
