Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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