Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
