I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
