thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
