Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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