O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
