Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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