I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
smell my finger.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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