Three words: puerto rican gang bang
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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