this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
