We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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