I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize