My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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