I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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