She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
