just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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