If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
