I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
