Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
a search helicopter?!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
