I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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