I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
