I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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