I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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