im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
