I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize