I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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