i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
