Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
