i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
