Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
