Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
