When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
