Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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