I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
