Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
