apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
