i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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